Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Dude . . . Got A Minute?

Dude.

Can I call you dude?  Do we have a 'dude relationship'?  You know, that kind of dude-at-the-next-urinal relationship where I can tell you something, one dude to another, without the bullshit?   Will you trust me -- just for the next couple of paragraphs -- to give you the straight shit?  I don't know you, you don't know me, we're just a couple of dudes, both doing our thing, and I have no vested interest in your relationship.

I'm just a dude.  Like you.  So, if you have a few minutes, let me lay some cosmic wisdom on you.  But let me distract you with an image of a tastefully sexy girl doing something refreshingly domestic to maintain your attention, first.




Did that help you focus?  I thought it might.  After all, we're both dudes.

If you are reading this, it is because your wife, girlfriend, best friend, brother-in-law, sister, or someone else close to you, who both cares for you and who has a good working knowledge of your relationship (and who may have used a dummy e-mail address), thinks that it would benefit you to read this particular blog post on this particular blog.  Why?  It could be any number of reasons, but let's assume that a good friend who doesn't want to be gauche enough to say it to your face thinks you and your relationship would benefit from the following piece of advice:

You're doing it wrong.

That is, the relationship/marriage you are in, which at casual inspection seems "perfectly fine", is suffering, and someone you know can see that.  That may come as a shock to you, or it may not.  Why is it suffering?  More than likely,the root of the problem is the fact that you aren't being All That You Can Be in the whole manhood department.

Whoa!  Don't freak out -- this is (probably) not a prelude to divorce or a relationship ultimatum.  This is a gentle reminder, a casual hint, a wink-wink-nudge-nudge dude, you need to pay attention to this! sort of thing.  The relationship that you think is so stable and mutually beneficial and strong?  Someone thinks that it could be better.  Someone thinks that you would benefit from learning something important about your relationship that, perhaps, you just weren't aware of.

You're doing it wrong -- but it's really not your fault.  I mean, how could it be?  People have been telling you how you're supposed to be doing it for years -- but they were wrong, and so now you're doing it wrong.

You see, when you got into your relationship with your current woman, she was HOT for you.  I mean, when she thought about you, her stomach flip-flopped, her eyes got all dreamy, her ladyparts got all dewy, and there was nothing -- nothing --that she thought about more than you.

But . . . well, it's been awhile, and while you're still a perfectly good dude -- don't get me wrong, in places you probably border on greatness -- there's this one area where you're just not quite getting the job done.

It's actually not one certain thing -- it's a bunch of related things, but they all come down to you needing to step-up, "man up", grow a pair, and quit acting like such a pussy when it comes to your woman.

Seriously -- it pains me to say it, but that's the fact, Jack.  You wouldn't be reading this otherwise.  When your woman does something, wants something, says something . . . you fold like a cheap card table and do your damnedest to make it happen, no matter how difficult or unreasonable.  You're whipped.  Maybe not even in an obvious way, but it's there.  Everyone knows who's in charge of your household, your relationship.  Even your woman -- and it's killing her.

No, really.  Every time she gives you an unreasonable ultimatum and you don't call her on it, her love for you dies a little.  Every time you kiss her ass so that she'll like you, despite what she says, the opposite is true.  Believe it or not, she likes it when you show some backbone.  In fact, that makes her panties wet -- and when was THAT ever a bad thing?

The truth is, YOU used to make her panties wet, just by being you.  And that was great -- really.  The infatuation, the courtship, the maelstrom of feelings that compelled you to go after this particular girl, she felt it too.  It wasn't fake.  It wasn't your imagination.  You had a real connection, some chemistry.  You were a manly man, and she found great value in that.

Only now . . . not so much.  

Oh, sure, she still likes you.  She even loves you.  But is she breathlessly checking her phone every five minutes to see if you've texted?  Is she still making mistakes at work because she's thinking about you?  Of course not.  You're past that point now, aren't you?  You're in the comfortable part of the relationship, when you can both just "be", without pretense or illusion or obfuscation.  She can "get to know the real you" and appreciate and love you just for being you.  And she is.  Only . . .

. . . well, you know that infatuation stage?  It's amazing, isn't it?  You've probably been coasting along on the strength of that for years -- if you're married, certainly since your wedding day, haven't you?  And that's cool -- you aren't a kid anymore.

But now you have to keep in mind that the woman who made you giddy with desire the moment someone mentioned her name is also remembering those times fondly, and she's wondering where the fuck they went?   I mean, things have been fine, sure . . . but things have been "fine".  Maybe even a little friction, a fight, a "discussion", something . . . but the fact is, "fine" isn't what she signed up for.  She signed up for "amazing", and she's dealing with "fine", but the first time she see's "amazing", you have to wonder . . . is she going to be happy enough with "fine" to not even consider pursuing "amazing"?  How about the second time?  The third?

Dude, not trying to scare you here, just trying to give you a clue.  Your woman, whether she knows it or not, whether she's the one who sent you here or not, your woman wants you to step up and take charge.  She wants you to lead her.  She wants to be in awe of your masculinity.  She wants to gush to her girlfriends -- not about the manly way you take out the trash or pick up her dry-cleaning, but how you dazzle her on a daily basis with your wit and charm.  She wants to feel the chemistry that attracted her to you in the first place.  But she can't say that.  It sucks, but the fact is, if she has to ask you to take charge, then you aren't really "taking charge".

She can't give you permission to take the lead.  You have to just take it, on your own initiative, or it doesn't count.  Forget for a moment whether or not she's going to get pissed off, because if you do it right, she just might be a little pissed off at first -- and that's not a bad thing.  You have to understand that, that's essential: you may have to piss her off a little to keep her engaged in the relationship.  Why?  Because, to paraphrase Feris Bueller, "you just can't respect a man who kisses your ass all the time".

And you're getting dangerously close, Dude, or you wouldn't be reading this.

Let's pause for a moment, look at another sexy, tastefully erotic picture of a pretty girl, and marshal our resources before we move on.


See how well that calms your mind and improves your focus?  Now back to the message.

It's not a lost cause -- there's still some time to turn things around before someone does or says something stupid and things get fucked up.  Nobody wants that.  All you need it step up your game a bit, take command, and start remembering who the fuck you were before you started being blinded by her puss--- ah, her femininity.

That's key: finding the masculine Dude in your soul.  The Dude who once looked across the room, sized her up, and said, "yeah, that's worth hitting", and you went for it.  That's the dude she wants to see.  The dude who struts, who thinks he's hot shit.  The dude you were before you met her.

So show a little backbone in the future.  If you aren't having sex with her at least once every five days or so (that's six times a month, for you liberal arts majors) then she's probably not really intrigued with you the way that's ideal.  If you aren't kissing her at least once or twice a day -- not a bullshit peck on the cheek, but a sudden, come-from-behind, press her against the wall, and plant a good ten-second smooch with tongue and dry humping and hard nipples, then you're doing it wrong.   If you aren't the dude all of her girlfriends want to sleep with in a moment of drunken weakness, then you're doing it wrong.  If you walk across the room naked, fresh from the shower and Mr. Happy bouncing around in front of her and she doesn't at least look up and bite her lip . . . you're doing it wrong.

Look, I know it's not all you.  You got complacent, she got complacent.  You both relaxed into a mutual comfort zone while you enjoyed the emerging fruits of your relationship, and . . . stuff just sort of slipped away.  On your side, you probably aren't getting laid as much as you like, and when you do get laid it's nothing to blog anonymously about.  Hell, you might be whacking off more now than when you met her.  She's just not responding to you the way she used to, but you've just . . . accepted that.

And that sucks.  Because both of you want essentially the same thing, you just don't know how to go about it.  You've been told for your entire life about how you need to respect women, listen to women, treat women as equals.  And that's great, as far as it goes, but when it comes to your relationship, believe it or not, your woman doesn't want you to treat her as an equal when it comes to certain aspects of your relationship.  She wants you to be strong, firm, and decisive.  She wants you to know what you want, and go after it -- even if she doesn't approve.  She wants you to be the dude every chick in the room wants to bang, but the one she's lucky enough to be going home with.

That's a tall order, I know.  I mean, how do you go from "I respect you too much to do that" to "Hell, yeah, I want a blowjob baby!" without sounding like a complete idiot?  The fact is, it isn't easy -- at first.  But either is realizing that your woman's panties don't get wet because of your decent job and neatly-trimmed yard, your willingness to watch chick flicks or buy tampons for her.  All the things you've been doing for her so she'll like you enough to fuck you, those are BETA skills, and while they're important for a long term relationship . . . well, Betas don't get much play.  Nice guys don't get wildly fucked by passionate women.

This looks like another good spot for a Pretty Girl break.  Just bear with me . . . we're almost done.



Now that's how they did it in Grandad's day!

And that's something to consider, as well: your grandfather likely had an entirely different take on how to manage his relationship than you do -- and while the rules of the game have changed dramatically since then, the players -- men and women -- still desire the same basic things.  Your grandad knew how to handle himself around women back then, and it wasn't by kissing their asses.  You don't have to completely dick out -- don't get me wrong.  But here are a few things that your granddad probably would tell you that you need to change, and right now:

Don't apologize unless you are genuinely at fault, or there is a dead animal involved.  Seriously, if she has a bad day at work, don't say "I'm sorry you had a bad day".  Say "that really sucks, baby.  Why don't you tell me the high points, and then we can take steps to help you forget about it?"

When she makes an inherently unreasonable request -- say, calling you from across the house to hand her a pair of scissors that's less than four feet away -- then refuse to do it on general principal.  I mean, if you don't value your time enough to get upset when she pulls some unreasonably flaky shit like that, then what's stopping her from doing that all the time. . . and loving you a little less for how willing you are to kiss her ass?   You have to respect yourself before she can respect you, and if you're kissing her ass all the time in the remote hope for pussy, then that demonstrates a lack of self-respect.

Sure, every woman wants a devoted man in her life, but they don't want to be in a relationship with a pussy.  Being devoted means that you bring her flowers unexpectedly, you check her oil without being asked, and you'd rather take her out on Saturday night than any other girl in town . . . not that you wait on her hand-and-foot and make her every desire manifest.

Seriously, Dude, even if you've invested heavily in the "equality" meme, then recognize that you two can't even be equals if you're deferring to her constantly.  Tell her NO when she makes an unreasonable suggestion.  No elaboration, no "I'm sorry, Honey, but . . . ", just tell her "no, that doesn't work for me."  Put yourself back into the equation of your own relationship.  She's not going to give you permission to disagree with her -- that defeats the purpose.

Here's something you need to try out: be decisive.  You know what kills your chances of nookie probably more than anything else?  The words, "I don't know, Honey, whatever you want to do is fine."  That's it.  Sure, you're trying to be deferent  and considerate, putting her needs, wants and desires before yours, out of your deep and abiding respect for the dignity of her womanhood blah, blah, blah, but the simple fact of the matter is that she wants you to take a fucking stand and tell her where you want to go -- no equivocation, no second-guessing, no picking what you think she wants.  Just.  Pick. A. Fucking. Restaurant.  Seriously.

And don't just hesitantly pick it -- when she asks you "so where do you want to eat tonight?" you tell her "I want Golden Corral tonight.  I'll meet you there at 7:30.  Order me a Coke if you get there first."  Done and done.  Don't worry about picking the "wrong" choice -- be a man and take the risk.  In fact, when it comes to your relationship it's far, far more important to be certain than it is to be right.  Really.  Trust me on this.  Take a stand and stick by it.

What if she doesn't like it?  Tell her, "well, can you make a compelling argument for that decision?" and then shut up and let her talk.  Give her an opportunity to persuade you, instead of direct you.  Put the issue in doubt, and if she feels strongly enough about it, she'll speak up.  She's not your mother, and she hates feeling like your mother.  She really wants you to be the Man, in that rugged, traditional, rugged and determined sort of way, despite what you may have heard her say to the contrary.  She wants you to be a Rock Solid Authority -- but open to her suggestions.  Hell, if you really do have no opinion on the matter, pick something at random and defend it dickishly until she does persuade you.  Make her work for it a little.  Don't over-do it, but nothing says "dry panties" like "I dunno, whatever you want is fine, I guess."

And that brings us to the subject of the sex . . . yes, you like that part!  I bet that got your attention!  Sex was like, one of the best things about your woman, back when you met her, remember?  You LOVED the sex.  So does she, at least theoretically.  But can you honestly say that your sex life now is as hot as it was when you first met?

How about another girly pic while you're considering that question:




I mean, just between us dudes . . . when was the last time you really rang her bell?  Is there a certain complacency, a certain habitual nature of how you two knock boots?  Ten minutes of foreplay, three positions, twelve and a half minutes, she cums twice, you do your thing, God that was great, snore . . .

Sound familiar?  Sound depressing?

Or does it actually sound a lot better than things actually are?

Let me tell you about something my father told me about: the Penny Jar.

When a young man marries a woman, for the first year of their marriage he should quietly put a penny in a jar on his dresser for every time he and his new bride make love.  Then, after their first anniversary, he should start taking a penny out of the jar every time they have sex.

If you  have a typical Blue Pill marriage . . . the jar never gets emptied.

("Blue Pill"?  That's a Manosphere expression that means "the idealistic and mistaken way you think things work; illusion", like in the Matrix (the good one).  "Red Pill" means "the pragmatic way things actually work."  We use this term usually in connection with relationships and over-all male-female gender relations.   And if someone sent you a link to this blog post, then someone thinks you have a typical Blue Pill marriage.  Your Penny Jar, in other words, will never get emptied.)

Why?  It's pretty simple, actually -- all that bold shit you did to attract your woman and persuade her to get humpity with her in the first place?  That went away once you and she started being "serious".  It's not entirely her fault -- the fact is, you wanted to "make her happy" and so you started doing whatever you thought she wanted you do so she would still hump you silly.  Only . . . well, all that nice stuff you did to make her feel comfortable and happy also made her . . . well, kinda bored.

God, she'd never say anything -- maybe send her dude a link via anonymous email account, at the most -- but she'd never want to hurt his feelings by telling him that he's not, y'know, the Man.  That would be awful -- even she knows that!  And maybe she's dropped a few hints you haven't picked up on, but the end result is the same . . . Dude, you really need to step it up.

And that goes for the bedroom, too.  Quit being so . . . gentle.  I mean, she's already decided to screw you -- you don't have to worry about her scampering off (unless you try to surprise her with something . . . y'know, too kinky without prior notice).  So if she's there, she's ready, she's naked, as soon as you think it's right you get on top of her and you go CONAN on her ass.  Do her like it's the night before your four-year prison sentence begins.  Do her like they're revoking your cock for thirty days.  Do her like you fucking mean it . . . because if you don't, then she thinks you don't.  And that's never a good thing.

Another babe, while you think about that:


Sweet, huh?  But not very "respectful".  But then, the idea that women value respect over admiration and desire is a relatively new phenomenon, and despite some claims to the contrary, there are plenty of women who want less respect and more passionate desire in their lives.  Even if that means accepting the fact that you are the Man, and forgetting all about equality for a while.

Consider, Dude: what's the most popular book on Amazon.com?  It's not "How to gently make love to your lady wife", it's 50 Shades of Grey -- and if you haven't been paying attention, this little trilogy of mommy porn books isn't filled with tender moments and hand-holding . . . it's filled with raw, poorly-written, highly unlikely emotionally charged Bondage & Discipline and Sado-masochistic sex between a dark and handsome billionaire (of course) and his sweetly submissive -- I mean, pathologically submissive -- beautiful college student chew toy.  The "tender moments" usually involve neckties and spanking.  There is a lot of really raunchy, poorly-written sex.  Believe me, I write erotica, and the sales of this book are not based on its literary merit.

But this thing is selling like batteries at a convent -- so the idea that your woman wants gentle, mutually-pleasurable, overly-consensual sex all the time is crap.  If current marketing trends are any indication (and when are they not?) then there is a deep, often-hidden vein of submission within the soul of the American woman that is screaming to get out.  There is a part of her that wants to feel owned, possessed, commanded -- and if you aren't the commander, someone else eventually will be.  Pay attention to what she does, not what she says, and you'll start tuning into just how much she wants you to -- occasionally -- just throw her on the bed and rip her clothes off.  Heck, get some neckties from Goodwill and go all-out.  The point is, she's fucking bored with the way you're doing it, and if she doesn't get interested soon, there's no telling

Of course there's a lot more to it than that.  If light bondage and a few extra grunts were enough to fix the problem, then it would be easy.  But it's not.  What you need to do is TAKE CONTROL of your life, and your relationship, before you find it out of control.  You can't do that with a few casual tricks.  It takes dedication, willpower, courage and devotion to the idea that you -- yes, you, Dude! -- are a masculine prize worthy of contention, a champion striding the earth, the Captain of your own destiny . . . and she is with you because of that, not because of how sharp the lawn looks this week.

Time for another picture.  Focus:





So wake up, Dude.  Someone is trying to tell you something.  You're doing it wrong, and now is the time to correct your course, before you steer into the iceberg.  You need to seriously look at your relationship and decide whether or not you are an "equal partner" in all things, or if you are the Man who takes charge, gets things done, and appeals to his woman on the basis of his masculinity, not his income potential.  Don't be the dude who finds himself listening to his wife tell him "You know, this just isn't working out.  I'm just not happy" a few years down the road.

Oh, sure, that would never happen to you and your devoted woman . . . but I could list a hundred guys off the top of my head who thought the same thing, and ended up single because of it.

There are resources out there to help you -- a collection of blogs and discussion groups known as the Manosphere, filled with your fellow dudes trying to work this shit out just like you are.  There are tons of places where you can learn how to manage your woman and your relationship in a way that will benefit you both in the long run.  You can learn how to handle her emotional outbursts, interpret what she's saying, and learn how to appeal to her sexually without resorting to expensive gifts or whining.  You should, of course, take much of what you find in the Manosphere with a grain of salt, because all of these dudes have slightly different issues than you do, so their solutions might work for them but not for you.  But on the other hand, there are lots of dudes who have tons of insight on how the female mind works.  Really works, that is, not how they want us to think it works.  That's one of the points of the Manosphere, to help you learn how to deal with the woman in your life without considering the benefits of the monastic life.  We're here to help.

But even if you don't want to jump into the deep end of the Manosphere yet, you need to realize that someone thought you were doing it wrong, and needed a "word to the wise".  So consider it given.  You might not get another.  Believe it or not, this isn't a slam -- there are plenty of dudes in your boat.  And there's still hope, and room to fix it.  Just don't ignore it.

One last picture, to kind of clean up:



I'm glad we could have this little talk, Dude.  I hope you took it how it was intended. We need to watch each other's backs, after all . . . because it's not like our woman will do that for us.

Don't forget to flush.

signed,

Ian Ironwood,

A FELLOW DUDE



25 comments:

  1. You know how much spark a simple belt can add to a relationship?

    Learn how to strap a woman without hurting her badly enough to call the cops and you are golden. Heck, Half the time leaving marks is okay, even. Women are addicted to pain, learning that fact is one of the keys to understanding them... little pain, big pain, pain they can brag about or cry about to their friends... Even imagining potential pain can get them wet in most cases, as long as you are smart about it.

    It's not that the average woman is masochistic, it's that the women that are NOt masochistic are insanely rare... and most of them have a beard or an extra chromosome.

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  2. Please understand, I'm not advocating flogging or BDSM in your relationship as a matter of course . . . merely that there seems to be a dramatic amount of interest in the subject among women, to the point where it seems highly indicative of a larger desire to let their man take charge.

    Let me break it down this way: I write erotica under other pseudonyms, and some of it is quite hard. I get lots of fan mail about those. The fan mail from my female fans almost always includes a desire to see men act more manly, in the sense of directing the relationship and their sex life. Sure, sometimes this can culminate in a little spanking or bondage play, but mostly it is, I believe, a desire to have someone take charge and lead.

    But, y'know, a little spanky hanky panky never hurt anyone . . .

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  3. "In fact, when it comes to your relationship it's far, far more important to be certain than it is to be right."

    I struggle with this because more than anything else I HATE being wrong. Which flows right into the second thing I hate the most, making a wrong decision based on flawed information. Being decisive to me is worthless if you are "certain" but incorrect. I just don't see the value in being wrong, other than as a warning that you aren't making good decisions. And, to me, being certain but wrong often would begin to eat away at her confidence in me as the leader. Is that not normally the case?

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    Replies
    1. I can appreciate your position, but I'm not advocating being decisive without having all the facts first, if possible. I'm saying that the appearance of indecision can be harmful to your relationship. So if you are uncertain about something, instead of hesitating, state commandingly what information you need before you can proceed . . . but don't appear indecisive.

      And you ARE going to be wrong sometimes. That's fine -- everyone is wrong sometimes. As long as you are right far more than you're wrong, then you're good. You may have acted with incomplete or out-of-date information, you may not have been aware of all the factors at play, or you may have simply misread the situation in some way that renders your decisiveness a negative . . . every now and then.

      In those cases, you OWN IT, you call out your error, and you propose corrective action. "I was incorrect. Clearly, your cousin is a woman. The mustache threw me off, but I should not have proceeded without verifying gender. In the future I'll be sure to do so. Thank you for pointing out my error before your mother overheard me call her 'Sir'. That was very thoughtful of you."

      There is nothing unmanly about being wrong -- occasionally -- as long as you treat such situations as valuable learning opportunities, not opportunities for an unmanly snit. There's not even anything unmanly about losing an argument to your wife over something, as long as you comport yourself with confident dignity and refuse to kiss her ass over her victory.

      You cannot be right all the time. No one gets presented all the information we need to make our decisions -- we work with what we have and make our best guess. The goal is not to appear superhuman, the goal is to appear hyper-competent, confident and determined. As long as she sees you're still swinging, she probably won't lose confidence in you or your abilities to lead. It's when you give up or give in to indecisiveness that she loses you, not when you're wrong.

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    2. Beautiful. My partner and I are highly educated INTJs, and I can tell you it's not attractive when he makes a relatively minor mistake and has fifty million excuses why it happened. (He's so rarely wrong that he forgets how to deal with it sometimes, haha.) You probably think you're saving face by blaming your bad decision on a perfectly legitimate reason like incorrect information, but unless it's a serious major decision, the outcome is less important than the way you behave about it. Blaming a mistake on faulty information can seem like an attempt to avoid responsibility for said mistake, which (Mr. Ironwood rightfully points out) is not the Masculine Way.

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    3. "Being decisive to me is worthless if you are "certain" but incorrect. I just don't see the value in being wrong..."

      It's not about being right or wrong. It's about acting or not acting. NOT ACTING = INDECISION = FEAR. So the value of making a strong, certain decision is you showing that you are not AFRAID of being wrong.

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    4. Doe - Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I make a habit of being wrong and making excuses. Instead I tend to do nothing until I feel like I have enough info to act. I am more than aware that making excuses just makes things worse. I don't make a habit of excusing mistakes, but I also do my best to simply not make mistakes.

      You are both INTJ? How does that work? I'm with an ENFJ, and I have to say that sometimes I really wish she was more logical and less emotional. But, I've always figured being with a woman like myself would be utterly boring. Plus, I can't imagine how disagreements between two INTJs would go. And aren't female INTJs about as rare as unicorns?

      Ed - Yeah, that is what I need to really internalize. I've always focused so much on being right, that I really have passed up plenty of opportunities to act. It isn't so much being afraid to be wrong as that I really beat myself up when I make mistakes. It is how I "train" myself to not make the same mistakes again. I am very hard on myself when I screw up and can clearly see how/why afterwards.

      Scratch the not being afraid part. I am afraid of being wrong, but mostly because I don't want to deal with myself when it happens. And it's funny, because I tell my children that making mistakes is OK, and that it is how we learn. But somehow I never give myself that same message.

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    5. Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions.

      When you make a good decision, you don't learn much because you already knew everything you needed to know to make that decision. However, when you make bad decisions, it's because you missed something. You should be excited about the things you missed because you learn something new, whether it be about yourself, your environment, people, etc. Then when a similar situation comes up, you are better prepared. There are many times I have purposely made a questionable decision just for the sake of learning something new.

      So instead of beating yourself up about bad decisions, just shrug and say, "Holy crap, I didn't realize Portuguese beer makes me so damn gassy! Last time I drink that!"

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    6. Ted-you sound like your standards are high. That is good. Your kids and wife can see you get upset with yourself when you make mistakes though, and we learn from example too. I'm sure they would benefit from you going a little easier on yourself. I care a lot less about being ten minutes later to something because of a wrong turn, then I care about my partner getting agitated and upset with himself because he made a wrong turn. Does that make sense?

      Even though we are both INTJ, we are not that alike. I still get emotional, but I try to introspect and identify a cause and some possible solutions before I bring up a problem with him. He has an aura of inner calm that soothes my more irrational tendencies. I state my needs pretty clearly, but he hates to be demanding and would much rather pretend he doesn't have needs (which explains why I'm all over the manosphere trying to figure it out).

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    7. Doe - "I care a lot less about being ten minutes later to something because of a wrong turn, then I care about my partner getting agitated and upset with himself because he made a wrong turn. Does that make sense?"

      Actually that makes perfect sense. I often forget that people do pay attention to those types of things. I really don't consider that how I treat myself effects others around me.

      "I state my needs pretty clearly, but he hates to be demanding and would much rather pretend he doesn't have needs (which explains why I'm all over the manosphere trying to figure it out)."

      LOL then your mate and I have much in common. I find that being "dominant" is a LOT of work, and I really do try to minimize my needs often. There are many reasons, but off the top of my head I dislike stating my needs because:
      1. I was brought up believing it was selfish to expect my needs to be met.
      2. Stating my needs draws attention to myself.
      3. Fear of rejection or ridicule. (even from those I trust)
      4. I try my best to minimize my emotional turmoil. One of the ways I do that is to simply repress emotional responses. Asking for needs to be met is in a way admitting I have less control over my emotions than I would like. I see it as a weakness.
      5. I really hate to impose on people.
      6. As much as I can logically think about my needs, some of them are much more a "feeling" than a thought, and I have difficulty determining exactly what my emotional needs are sometimes.

      So you are an emotional, female INTJ. You really are a unicorn! Although I've never known one before, so perhaps the emotional part comes with being female?

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    8. Ted - I'm an INTJ, too. And because we make up 1-2% of the population, it makes me believe that I'm a special snowflake or Superman. This is both good and bad. It's good because I feel I offer a unique position. I'm VERY independent. I have a lot going on in my head. I am self-sufficient. I see things in ways other people don't see and can often see right through a problem. I can react quickly to a deteriorating situation because my problem solving skills are better than most.

      But it's bad because as Superman, I should be more tolerant of the other 98%. So I should turn off the emotional faucet and suck it up for the good of all mankind. Be selfless. Minimize your needs because I need less than everyone else does. Plan out everything and have a backup plan because when all else fails, I can't. I beat myself up when I make a mistake because I SHOULD know better. And when emotions do come up, I bury them in an intellectual straight-jacket and trivialize them. Any of this sound familiar??

      The problem is that I'm NOT Superman. I can't lift up cars. I'm not invincible. I can't fly. I can't reverse time by spinning the Earth backwards. I can't microwave my own food just by looking at it. I'm just as human as everyone else. And you know what? WHAT A RELIEF!!!!

      So at this point in my life, I probably need less than most people, because I've already taken care of myself. So now I focus on the things that I want. And what do I want? Whatever is going to make me feel good. For example, any idea what kind of food Superman likes to eat? Me neither. Sucks for him. Me? I like Chinese food.

      So when my wife says, "What should we have for dinner?" I don't say, "Whatever you want." I say, "Chinese food." 90% of the time she says yes (or rolls her eyes). If not, she has to come up with another option. That's not being dominant. That's just being decisive because you know what you want. Do that a few times and you'll see people are fine with what you want. Then you'll be more comfortable saying what you want in other things. Then you'll start branching out into other things that you're not sure you want, but want to try, like Brazilian food.

      Just stay away from Portuguese beer.

      Delete
    9. Ed - "Any of this sound familiar??"

      Painfully yes. I'm working on some of this outside of the "red pill" initiatives I have started. I'd never payed any attention to MBTI stuff until a year or so ago about the time I found MMSL. The good news is all of my problems are not founded in betatude! Unfortunately, the ones that aren't are rooted in my personality type.

      Double whammy! Beta and INTJ!

      And as far as it goes, I didn't even know there was Portuguese beer...

      Delete
  4. Preach on brother! I'm having better and more sex now (10+ years in) than I was in year 1 by incorporating the message that you and others are preaching. The "new normal" is what I'm calling it. Manning up and changing how you act changes the relationship dynamic and develops a new pattern. My own blog has been detailing this recently, and how a year of taking your advice can change a relationship/marriage. Keep up the great work!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Added you to the Red Pill report. Feel free to email this blog post to anyone you think needs to read it.

      Delete
  5. Can you run that by me without the graphics? I have no idea what you said. Joe

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  6. "You’ll realize in your private life that at a certain point seduction is over, and force is actually being requested."

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  7. If she was asking for the scissor from across the house, I wouldn't ignore her request. I would simply say something to the following effect : When I get there your panties better be around your ankle and you should be holding the counter/table.

    Following that, play it depending on her answer. Also, forget the scissor.

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  8. If you're a newb, how do you find all the places you need in the Manosphere? Is there a guide to the manosphere for newcomers?

    ~a young husband

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    Replies
    1. http://consideredcarefully.wordpress.com/

      New blog from a male HUS regular that I've found makes a lot of sense and has a great way of communicating his thoughts.

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    2. Check out my book, The Manosphere: A New Hope For Masculinity for a primer.

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  9. @~a young husband.
    I'm rather new in the sphere but I would say a few that are well worth it :
    http://marriedmansexlife.com For LTR game a must read and buy the book!
    http://theredpillroom.blogspot.com Because it's good and you gain insight on LTR
    http://dannyfrom504.wordpress.com/ A good blog on a lot of stuff. especially the article in the top of the page
    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/ The perspective from the enlightened female about game and relationship.

    For the rest, there a lot of good stuff and bad stuff. Also a lot of bitterness and hurt. You need to browse with caution. The red pill can be a bitter one.The best way to find the good blog are the one linked by other blog. Also reading the comment of a post sometime the people posting comment have blog that can be interesting.

    Good luck and take everything with a curious but watchful eye.

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  10. now that's surprising to find article that might be able to actually change someone its meant for. context: I was reading about the society's problems winth emasculated men and confused women for a week(among other important things). context += it doesn't afect me since im on the disgusted-with-failed-society level, and college age and statistically improbable to ever find a worthwhile woman.

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  11. Ian Says:
    "The truth is, YOU used to make her panties wet, just by being you. And that was great -- really. The infatuation, the courtship, the maelstrom of feelings that compelled you to go after this particular girl, she felt it too. It wasn't fake. It wasn't your imagination. You had a real connection, some chemistry. You were a manly man, and she found great value in that"

    I still make her panties wet Ian. But it is different when you are just dating. Back before the wedding, she didn't know if she really had me yet or not. Kids and the wedding were still a dream and the future was bright. Now the wedding is history. We have kids. We have career obligations. The daily grind is sometimes overwhelming.

    On the upside, my wife wanted to have my babies in the worst way possible. She practically begged me to have babies w/ her. I know I'm the one for her.

    In my case I am pretty sure that all I need to do to improve the mojo is take the wifey and kids on a vacation somewhere and give her some of that hotel sex that the chicks always love. Women hate it when things get too routine.

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  13. I could have easily emptied my jar. since we had sex about 5 times a year, and I've been married for 9 years. There was no "first year boom" to fill that jar. And sex has NEVER been good with us from the beginning. We bought the myth that you should look at other things and not be so shallowly focused on sex when considering a spouse.

    Some people get into it worse from the get-go.

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